1 Month Ago Today

I month ago today....was the day I buried Hoover. In some ways it feels like yesterday - in others it feels like it's been a year. I think most people that have lived through grief of any kind say the same thing. He was diagnosed in June that he had thyroid cancer - though just a formality of what I had suspected for several months. In February he suddenly began gagging while he was eating. John rushed him to the er vet - she thought she might have seen something in the x-ray that hinted of a mass in his neck - but not sure...my vet didn't concur - and the symptoms weren't really acute. So wanting to ignore any possiblity of bad news - I choose to believe my vet - because that was the only thing I could deal with at the time. But deep down I knew....

You know - the time of pretending he was fine, and the dread once the diagnosis was made, and watching him slowly die.....that was worse than anything. There was a sense of relief in a way when he was gone - easier for him to be out of his suffering - and easier for me that I didn't have to watch it.

Before he died I prayed every night as I lay down to go to sleep. I prayed for Hoover to die in his sleep (so I didn't have to make the decision to euthanize him - a desperate prayer for my own sanity), and I prayed for a peaceful journey for him, I prayed for courage for me to help him on that journey, and I prayed that my other dog Hannah would handle his death easy. And I now have proof in my life that prayer works (I was a skeptic) - though he didn't die in his sleep...he did die very peacefully, Hannah is fine....and I got courgage that I never dreamed that I could have. Not only did I hold him while he passed from this life.....I was able to work with my wonderful husband to bury him out on family land overlooking the woods and pond. I would have bet anyone any amount of money that I would never be able to do it. But the courage came and I felt peace and a sense of purpose. And I buried my best friend.

This song called "Into The West" by Annie Lennox was played and I sang to him in his final minutes on this earth. It is from the Lord of the Rings movie "Return of the King" - it is so very appropriate....

Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms You're only sleeping

[Chorus]
What can you see On the horizon? Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn To silver glass
A light on the water All souls pass

Hope fades Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say: "We have come now to the end"
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass Into the West